DECCA or BEDECKED

         VILLAGE VETS (0)  0   RAYNES PARK VALE VETS   (0)  1        Att:  5

Desperate for a fixture, Manager Tony Dewar spent the most of Saturday frantically ringing around trying to muster up enough players for a fixture at Deccas versus our old friends – Village Vets.  Come Sunday morning, he still didn’t know how many people were turning up and he even considered volunteering 104 year old Assistant Manager Peter Allen.  Luckily for Pete, eleven lads turned up, so he could continue his usual Sunday routine of waving a flag, dreaming of hitting an iron and sucking on a big fat Cuban.  Or is that dreaming of sucking on a big fat iron, whilst waving a Cuban flag ?! 

The rain abated and Tony quickly ushered us into the changing rooms and out onto the pitch before the wet weather returned.  Emil volunteered, nay sacrificed himself to play in goal even though he was going into hospital next week for a hand operation.

Phil Verrils wife, Janine, made herself an early candidate for the (Wo)Man of the Match award by delivering a pair of goalie gloves for Emil just before kick off.

The rest of the team was made up of Paul Armour, who would exude experience from right back and Monty Nathan, who would do the same from the left (sic).  Stevie Pollard, playing in his second game on the trot, would partner Captain Ossie Thomas in the centre of defence.  Mr. Phil Verrils (third best player in his immediate family – his daughter’s absolute  rubbish) would amble about on the left wing and Bod would entertain us with his Christian Ronaldo impression on the right (have you heard a South London lad doing a Portugese accent ?!).  Centre midfield consisted of the Chuckle Brothers themselves – Grant Harrison and Barry Kent.  Up front were the Dynamic Duo of Andy Brenen and the wandering minstrel himself – Dave Cox. 

Considering the amount of rain that had fallen, the pitch was in pretty good condition.  Ossie won the toss and decided that we would kick uphill in the first half.

Coxy was looking in good form and the ball was sticking to his left foot like a limpet, unlike Verrill’s who was looking more like a muppet as he couldn’t decide what side of the throw in line to play on.  Fortunately, Monty was covering Phils mistakes. Blimey that’s a phrase I’d never thought I’d say !  Village could afford the luxury of making an early substitution due to injury, something Vale were unable to do, but we were making it hard for them, especially as we were beginning to pepper the oppo’s goal with shots from Brels, Grant and Coxy.  Village Vets clung on and hardly threatened the RPV goal or Emil’s hand.  This was mainly due to the excellent work done by the defence.  Ossie was marking his opponent as tight as a Scotsmans wallet and Paul Armour was as commanding as Montgomery himself.  Back up the other end, Raynes Park forced a few corners, but Village kept the scoreline blank up to the break.

Water and fags dispensed with and an encouraging word from the management team, the second half got under way. Barry and Grant were controlling the midfield and Stevie Pollard was calming things at the back.  But then things changed as some of the Vale players were regretting last nights excesses and with another sub, Village began to apply a bit more pressure and force a couple of corners.  RPV had a lucky escape when a header rattled against their bar and out of play.  A momentary scare, but we were not scared and we fashioned the best move of the game soon after.  Monty received a loose ball out left and fed Barry.  With excellent vision and spotting a great run from Bod down the right, Barrys pin point pass made it easy for Bod to cross to Coxy.  A quick knock on and Andy Brenen beat the Village keeper from 12 yards to put the Vale one nil up.

We should have pushed on, but with time running out Village made a couple of last desperate attempts to find the equalizer.  A towering clearing header from Ossie kept the advantage to Vale, but a late tackle on an oppo forward soon after presented Village a direct free kick 25 yards out.  Curled towards the top left hand corner of the Vale goal, it looked liked the home team had snatched a late equalizer.  Unfortunately for them, goalkeeper Emil had other ideas and somehow managed to spring like a Gazelle, stick out a left arm and tip the ball past the post.  A small smattering of invisible applause rang out silently, but there was more work to do as the ensuing corner was met by a confident keeper again.  Alas the copy book was spoiled as Emil dropped a clanger and the ball, but a saving boot from Barry cleared the danger.  The game ended unceremoniously as a chase into the Vale box between a Village forward (big bugger too!) and Captain Ossie saw both players collapsing in a heap and the ball trickling into the keepers arms.  All hell broke loose as Ossie accused the forward of diving.  Oh dear, swinging rights and left hooks ensued.  Luckily both players were better at football and the boxing manouevers caused more danger to air traffic control than eachother or anyone else.  Common sense prevailed as the Ref blew for full time and both teams kissed and made up on the way back to the bar.

So, a pleasing 1-0 win to the Vale and now the question of the Man of the Match award.  Both forwards ran their hearts out and the midfield men battled it out for a full ninety minutes and created the winner.  The defence was magnificent in protecting the one armed bandit in goal and Janine Verrills was terrific in supplying an oven glove.

But undoubtedly the award must go to Captain for the day – Ossie ‘Rocky’ Thomas.

Imposing, commanding, majestic – these are adjectives you normally wouldn’t associate with Ossie.  Neither would you use pugilistic, barbaric or confrontational.  But if you did hear  some of the language that came out of his potty mouth, you’d be scared enough of him to award him the MOTM accolade !

Beach Breached

It was with some surprise to find out our fixture with local rivals Merton was on, and to be played on the Main Pitch.  On inspection two vast blobs of mud were taken from the field and replaced by as much sand as you’d find in Jade Goody’s navel after an hours’ sunbathing.  Now that’s a lot of sand !  Never mind Lawrence of Arabia, right back Monty Nathan looked more like the Buddah of Suburbia and he’s now held in such low esteem by his teammates, that we volunteered him as stand-in Ref due to Assistant Manager Pete Allen’s illness. 

It was a pleasure, after a long absence, to welcome Glen back into the Vale family.  Hopefully his second ever game for us would yield a similar result as his first a couple of months ago, a 3-2 victory over todays opponents.

Manager, Tony Dewar, also welcomed back Camp Phil, PC Mike and a revengeful Jason, who had a particular eventful game versus Merton last time.

On a par with his footballing skills, Monty’s refereeing left a lot to be desired. He missed a couple of blatant handballs.  Embarrassed ourselves, we offered our apologies to our opponents for his apparent biasedness and ineptitude.  In fact, his ‘uselessness’ has become quite legendary and he has even recently received a couple of anonymous emails commenting on his ‘crapiness’.  Perhaps an alternate ‘fan club’ could be started or T-Shirts made up or a Web Site created for him.  Perhaps not, but keep those emails coming in, whoever you are !

To say Raynes Park rode their luck was a bit of an understatement as Merton were only kept out by a combination of criminal finishing and great goalkeeping from Jonathan the Ram.  Vale actually took the lead when a Warren through ball sent PC Mike down the right wing.  His cut back found Andy Brenen free and with the whole of the goal gaping before him, he managed to find the Merton goalkeepers’ gut.  Luckily, an alert Jason followed up, tapped in and exorcised a few demons in the process.  Embarrassed by missing a sitter, Brenen Junior then managed to strike both posts with one shot and still not find the net, but at least Raynes Park went into the break one nil to the good.

The second half saw a flagging Glen substituted by Monty and there’s the rub.  All our good work came to an end as we let in an equalizer and then a second.  Truth be told we hardly mustered a shot in the final 45 minutes and the only significant home moments came when an offside PC Mike, coming back from an unsuccessful forward raid,  became ‘active’ by kicking the ball, when specifically told ‘not to ‘by an onside and rushing Emil.  Perhaps throwing a policeman onto the floor wasn’t the best thing to do by Emil, but how we laughed in the bar afterwards.  We all laughed even louder when Monty’s old friend, the ‘Invisible Sniper’, shot him when all alone with the ball and no opponent within ten yards of him.  So his record of not having played in a losing half came to an end as did our unbeaten three match run.  Final score – RPV 1  Merton  2.

RPV Man of the Match – The Invisible Sniper.

Kensington & Chelsea  0    Raynes Park Vale Vets  1

As I passed over Hammersmith Bridge, it felt like I was coming home.  The sky was bluer, the air smelt fresher and my non-bread diet was a week old.

I was in a happy frame of mind as I turned into the Chiswick Civil Service Sports Ground.  Pumped up, I turned down my Punk Rock on the car stereo and hoped to see a full compliment of RPV players and substitutes.  Alas, a bare 11 of us had bothered to turn up, not a good omen as our opposition had triumphed 3-2 earlier in the season and this time turned up with three subs.

Undeterred, the Management team had enough faith in the team, even if it included Monty Nathan.  The ‘Ram’ himself, Jonathan, would see to the custodian duties with Ant & Dec, sorry – Ian and Barry providing central defensive cover with Ossie and Monty attempting to look like full backs. 

The midfield Generals were myself and the Mussolini/Boneparte look-a-like, Grant with Bod and Warren acting as wing men.  Super Al Mayers would play through the big toe pain barrier to heroically partner top scorer Andy Brenen up field.

A strong cross wind seemed to keep the ball to the left hand side of the pitch, therefore space was tight and the ball seemed to go off quite a lot.  Grant broke his New Years Resolution within the first ten minutes by offering Monty some unsavoury advice on what to do with ball – advice not taken !  At the other end, Vale won themselves a corner, but I forgot the routine that had seen Ian Bennett score against us once and my inswinger pathetically the found the side netting.

Barry Kent was orchestrating things at the back and Jonathan was having a relatively quiet time.  Half time came with no score and no substitutions and Manager Dewar was satisfied with the teams effort. 

K & C had the adavantage of bringing on some players with fresh legs, but we still held our own in the stamina stakes – perhaps we were all on non-wheat diets.  Midway through the second half Vale took the lead when a Motty free kick into the area was headed back across the goal by a soaring Grant.  Brenen Junior  legally challenged the knock down with the Oppo’s keeper and the ball fell kindly to me 30 …ok, 6 yards out to rifle home.

1-0 to the Vale, but Kensington soon forced a corner and the ensuing kick caused mayhem around our own goal.  The wicked inswinger almost caught Jonathan out, but he had the agility to bundle the ball past the nearside post.  Unfortunately, Jonathan also managed to bundle Monty onto the post and a unanimous decision from the rest of the Vale players said that play should continue without our left back as he lay prostrate in our goalmouth.  Alas the gentlemen from Kensington showed enough Corinthian Spirit to delay play until Monty had sufficiently recovered – boo !

K & C had one last throw of the dice by bringing on the previous encounters’ speedy match winner, but Vale shackled any further attempts on goal and saw out the rest of the half to win it by the only goal.  An excellent team performance and a deserved after match beer made it a pleasant Sunday and I even toasted a couple of hot cross buns as a reward.

OH GODALMING

We weren’t a happy bunch as we traipsed into the depths of bandit country, otherwise known as Godalming.  There were traffic problems, it was an afternoon kick off and it was very wet.

In fact, it was so wet that we might as well have got our new shirts, put them in a bath and then put them on.  It was so wet, that Noah had parked his Ark in the Car Park, but Jacques Cousteau had cried off.  Undeterred thirteen brave heroes entered the sodden battlefield, but maybe the bravest of them all, shivering Manager Tony Dewar, awaiting a new hip replacement operation, took his accustomed position by the side of the pitch.  Then again, a little rain didn’t hurt anyone and some of the players’ kids were running around, kicking a ball and acting like pigs in shi  –  er,  muck.

RPV lost the toss and were elected to defend the shallow end in the first half.  It was not a competent start as Raynes Park battled against continual lashing rain and a strong wind.  On top of that Vale adopted a poor offside trap which let in an oppostions’ lively centre forward to open the scoring for Godalming.  At the other end, we were finding it difficult to penetrate the oppositions half, but eventually Andy Brenen made tracks into Farncombes 18 yard box only to be cynically scythed from behind.  The Referee waved play on and soon after we were two down when Farncombe scored again in a move similar to their first goal.

The rain continued to lash down fiercely, but through the doom and gloom and just before half time, we gave ourselves a ray of hope as a Jason Carberry  through ball found Brenen Junior, who had escaped around the back of the G & F defence.  His excellent control and measured right foot finish helped reduce our arrears to 1-2.  By now, sodden to the skin, but happier and more confident in mood, Tony gave a rousing half time pep talk and thanked an injured Ossie for his Herculean effort.  

Although Vale had the wind at their backs, they still struggled to play in the more advanced positions as Godalming employed a rather dubious offside game which was regularly complimented by their young and impressionable linesman. The opposition still made a few in roads around our area, but the RPV defence of Ian, Barry, Steve and Warren gave sound protection to goalie Jonathan. 

Any advantage Farncombe had was wiped away as a through a ball let in Brenen again and although his initial effort was saved by the advancing keeper, a fortunate ricochet back off Andy’s legs found the ball nestling in the back of the oppositions net.

It was only a great last minute finger tipped save that stopped Andy Brenen getting a hatrick and a winner, so both teams and a poor, drenched Tony Dewer had to endure further torrential conditions and an extra thirty minutes.

Vale piled on the pressure and got their just rewards when Brenen and Mayers combined to send in a lofted cross for Grant to outjump everyone and guide the ball into the net for a 3-2 lead.  Desperate for an equalizer, Guildford piled forward and only a magnificent save from Jonathan kept the advantage in favour of RPV. G & F forced four corners in succession, but each time Vale kept the ball away from their goal.  Then, just as we thought the tie was over, a straight goal kick from Jonathan was lumped back towards his goal and in what was most probably the games most defining moment, a Farncombe forward received the returning ball, chested, swivelled and unleashed a superb volley to snatch a last gasp equalizer.

By now, Tony Dewer was absolutely saturated as was one of the goalmouths, so the penalty kicks would have to be taken up the other end.  Just as luck would have it and to add to the drama, the other penalty spot was flooded, so the ref placed the ball one yard left of the spot.  A dripping Dewer asked for 5 volunteers and five hands were raised. Only five mind you, that’s ONLY FIVE.

Five heroes and it wouldn’t matter if they all missed, they’re ALL heroes – especially if anyone missed  !  Warren scored, Andy scored. Then Emils penalty was miraculously saved and Bradley missed the goal by a whisker when a freakish wind passed by.  Ok, truthfully, Emil patsied a tortoise to a yawning keeper and Bradley slippered his kick 10 yards wide of the goal, but they were still heroes.

So our Cup dream was over for another year and we returned home in the dark, miserable and soaked.  At least Monty wasn’t there !